Deborah's Rant

Today for our assignment on this challenge, we have been asked to write about a rant and at first my thoughts were, I don’t have any rants in regards to the novel, short stories or blog. However then I began to think about it. If I want to portray Deborah as real as possible, even though she is a fictional character, would she not have rants? You betcha, and I think, for this challenge or assignment, her rant might look like this….

Rant, pet peeve, wild goose chase, going off on a tangent, going down a bunny trail: they all have a slightly different meaning, but they also have similarities. I cannot say what any of these would or might be for you of the other characters within the novel or short stories, but let’s take a look and see what Deborah might have a rant about.

Your family or rather certain members of your family saying they understand and are ok with something you know you have to do, but then they (Benjamin and Abigail) bend over backwards trying to dissuade you/Deborah from doing the thing they said they understood.

“Mom I know you think you need to go back to school, but at your age does that really make sense? Since you are getting up in age, would it not make more sense for you to move in with Mary and I? Mary will be needing help with the baby and as you said, this house is too big for one person.” Benjamin said in a tone of feigned understanding.

“Son, I know you do not understand why I want to go back to school. Your father didn’t understand it either when I tried talking to him about my wanting to go back to school. As for my getting up in age, I am only 22 years older than you, so I am not getting up in age, or at least not in the way you are referring to.”

That was a previous conversation Deborah and her oldest son Benjamin, had had 8 years before graduating with her Masters in Social Work. Here they were again having a very similar conversation in regards to her offer and acceptance of a teaching position at Dalhousie University in Halifax, Nova Scotia.

Benjamin said “Are you sure now is the best time for you to be gallivanting off to Halifax? Don’t you think you should be looking for something closer to home? You have two women in this family who are expecting and they are going to need you over the next few months. Maybe you should turn down the job and just stay here, where you belong.”

It was Benjamin’s ‘where you belong’, that brought Deborah out of her downward query. She looked at him and said, “I belong where Daddy God needs me to be,” she looked heavenward. “My whole life has revolved around you kids and your dad, now it’s time for me to have my life revolve around me and the plans our Father in heaven has for me.” A tear fell from her eye as she took Mary’s hand in hers and looked across the table at Benjamin. “For more than thirty years I have put everyone else’s wants and needs ahead of mine, because as a wife and mother, that is what I was supposed to do.” She looked from child to child and said, “As much as I love each and every one of you, you all have your own lives now and I do not stop you from living your lives the way you deem fit, even when I don’t approve of your choices. They are your choices to make and to live with. Please do not try to make me feel guilty for the choices I make.

“Hello, Abigail. How are you doing on this fine and wonderful day that the Lord has made?” She asked. Thinking, “She was happy to be able to move into the house when I asked if she could, but I know she is in agreement with Benjamin.” Again Deborah smiled and said, “Yes, Abigail, I am sure.” She really didn’t want to get into the discussion she knew Abigail was calling about, but before she could stop herself she asked, “So why did you really call? I know it wasn’t for the wrenches.”

“Abigail, I have been your mom for far too long, not to know, you calling to ask about wrenches, would be a side question as to the real reason you would be calling me.” Again before she could stop herself she added, “Especially, with the fact that Benjamin and I got into a heavy discussion last night, or rather Benjamin wanted to get into a heavy discussion about my moving last night and he didn’t like that I cut him off in his pretty much one sided tirade.”

She sat and listened as Abigail spoke, giving a loud, but occasional heavy sigh before cutting in to say, “Abigail. I said this at breakfast yesterday and I said it again in my discussion with Benjamin last night. I stayed at home from the time I was seventeen until Dad died, taking care of you guys and taking care of your dad. Now it is my turn to do some things I want to do and make my own discoveries. I am sorry that you and your brother can’t understand that, but understand it or not, you are going to have to accept it. I love you all and I want the best for you all. My only wish, is that you would all be happy that I am growing braver and learning how to be independent, not wanting to be a burden to any of my children.”

As Deborah thought over and pondered these conversations, she began to feel emotions build up and she asked, “Why is it wrong for me to want a life for myself? Why does my son, like his father before him, think I cannot take care of myself? Wasn’t I the one who took care of them, when they were growing up? It certainly wasn’t their father!”

The more she thought about the previous conversations, with her parents when she told them she was pregnant and then again, when she told them she and Zachary were getting married. The argument she had with the principal of her high school when she wanted to keep going to school, even though she was pregnant. The belittling from her dead husband when she wanted to go back to school. Feeling the need to defend herself with her son, Benjamin was almost too much for her to bear. What was it with all these people constantly trying to impose their wants onto her shoulders? Why couldn’t they just leave her alone to live her life the way she wanted? After all, weren’t they living their lives the way they wanted to? Was she imposing her wants on them?

At that moment, something clicked in heart and brought her to a place where she knew she had to change where her thoughts, her memories, were taking her. She allowed the tears to flow down her cheeks, as she looked heaven ward. She heard a strained, broken and strangely familiar voice cry out, “Daddy, help me. Help me forgive them. Forgive me, for allowing myself to fall into this trap of anger, resentment and self-pity.”

It is oh so very easy to fall into a downward spiral of hurt, anger, resentment and self-pity when we allow a rant to go on unchecked and all too often we do not see how low we have fallen until it is almost too late. I am so thankful that I have a heavenly Father who will allow me to sink, due to my own foolish thoughts or behaviours, but never to drown.

Matthew 14: 22-36 is about Peter walking on the water with Jesus. He was good, until doubt came in and then he sank, but Jesus reached out to him and helped him back into the boat. He does that with all His children. My best advice to give is, try not to let the rants drag you down, but know, that when they do, you will not drown.